Dream a Little Dream
by KasidyQ
Summary: Shiro's life was a never ending nightmare. With his one ray of hope now gone, he had nothing left to live for, but will fate intervene in a last ditch effort to save his life? Will Ichigo come to terms with Shiro's dark past and his own self doubt in time to save their future together? When all you see is darkness, sometimes you just need someone to turn on the light.
1. Ending It All

**A/N: So I was kind of in a dark place when I started this one. There's a lot going on in RL right now. I recently had to say good bye to a very dear friend that lost his battle with depression. I've been in that ongoing fight myself and I'm having a pretty hard time dealing with everything right now.**

 **If there are any of my readers out there who are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE find someone to talk to about it. Reach out! Someone will listen. Someone can help! And for everyone else, please pay attention to your friends. Look up the warning signs for someone considering suicide. Remember that depression is not something you can just "get over". Watch each other's backs out there and be there when someone needs you. I'm available anytime if anyone needs someone to talk to. Just PM me. I won't judge. Sometimes it helps just to have an open-minded person to vent to. I love ya'll! Don't ever forget that!**

 **Trigger warning! Mentions of attempted suicide, self-harm, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual, physical and emotional abuse, non-con and other highly controversial themes. Please read at your own discretion.**

 **This is a Yaoi story. You've been warned. Of course I don't own Bleach. Tite Kubo does. Thank the gods! Poor Ichigo would never get any rest if he was mine! XD**

 **Extreme author's note over! So, let's get to the story already! Enjoy!**

Chapter 1- Ending It All

 _ **December 25, 2AM**_

Shiro laid in his bed and sighed. One time, just one time, he'd like to get some sleep without laying there thinking too much! "Fuck!" He slammed his fists into the mattress beside him. He didn't want to think anymore! He didn't want to remember. He rolled to the side and glared at the digital alarm clock on his nightstand. The bright red numbers seemed to mock him, blinking 2:00 AM. It was officially Christmas. He sighed again, flopping back down on his pillow. "Merry fuckin' Christmas." He muttered into the absolute silence. He glared at the ceiling and thought about the mess he'd made of everything. He needed help, he knew that. He just never had wanted to admit it until now. But there was no one left to help him. He snatched his phone and sent a text message then tossed it somewhere across the room.

"I'M SORRY I NEVER LET YOU IN. LOVE YA MORE. GOODBYE."

Shiro had lost control of his life. The one thing that had always kept him semi-sane was gone and he couldn't blame anyone but himself. Why did he have to be so destructive? Everything he touched turned to absolute shit. His friends had turned their backs on him, his family was never there to begin with, and he'd hurt the only person in his whole fucked up little world who had ever truly meant anything to him. It'd be easy to sit and blame all the shitty people who'd come and gone or all the bad things that life had handed him, but he knew deep inside that the situation he found himself in over and over again was his own damned fault.

He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of his bed, too frustrated to lay there anymore. After pilfering through the drawer in his bedside table, he finally found his IPod and slipped the earbuds in. Shiro let his favorite song send him to that place he always seemed to go when he was alone. The place deep inside himself full of hollowness and numbing self-hate.

 _We chase misprinted lies_

 _We face the path of time_

 _And yet I fight_

 _And yet I fight_

 _This battle all alone_

He clicked repeat on the song and stared at the other contents of the drawer that hung open in front of him. With a trembling hand, he reached for a crumpled up piece of paper buried under the endless supply of pill bottles, little plastic baggies full of things better left alone for now, and various other memories of his shit stained life.

He unfolded the paper and smoothed it out as best he could before running his fingers over the smudged words he'd read a million times.

" _Shiro,_

 _Baby, we need to talk. I know you hate it when I say that but it's true. Things are bad again, aren't they? I wouldn't be having to write this in a stupid letter if they weren't. But you won't talk to me about it, will you? You won't answer your phone and you're never home when I come by. You've closed me out again and I don't know what to do anymore. I want this to work but you aren't giving me too many options here. I love you. I have always loved you, even when you hated yourself enough for the both of us. You know that I hate to beg but that's exactly what I'm doing. Please talk to me. I don't want this to be goodbye, but if you won't open up and let me in, then I guess that's what I'm saying. Damn it, please don't make me do this. Just call me, okay? Or at least answer your phone when I call._

 _I love you XOXO"_

Shiro wadded up the paper again and threw it back into the drawer. He was such a moron! Why hadn't he just picked up the phone? He wished that all of this could have been just a dream. A terrible dream that would end with him waking up next to that beautiful smile. But no, it wasn't a dream. He was all alone in an empty bed in his empty apartment with his empty heart. If he could just sleep, maybe this would all go away. He grabbed a bottle of pills from the drawer. He didn't need to even look at the label to know that he'd grabbed Ativan. It'd been prescribed for his "anxiety-induced insomnia". Bullshit. "Anxiety, my ass." He thought aloud, "More like hell on earth." Shiro ran a hand through his shaggy white hair before unscrewing the top on the bottle of pills.

Just then, there was a knock on the front door. He ignored it, like always. He didn't want to see anyone right now. The only ones who'd be at his house at 2am were dealers or lowlifes anyway. He turned up the bottle and dumped the contents into his mouth. Shiro held the numerous pills on his tongue until he started to taste the bitterness of the meds melting, then he swallowed. Grabbing the half empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the floor next to him, he chased them down then finished off the bottle.

Five minutes had passed…. He started to feel a little sleepy.

Sleep… yeah, that sounded good. He laid back on his bed and heard the knock come again. He growled at the intruding sound and turned up the volume on his IPod.

 _No one to cry to_

 _No place to call my own_

Maybe he'd wake up in the hospital. They'd give him something real good there. Maybe they'd give him something to kill the pain. He knew better than that. Only one thing could end his suffering. The ability to turn back time. Maybe he'd slip into a coma and not have to face the world ever again.

The knocking started again but he could barely hear it now. He closed his eyes and smiled.

Maybe, if he was really lucky, he wouldn't wake up at all. He imagined how empty his funeral would be. No one ever bothered with him now, so why would it be any different when he was gone. The only person who would probably mourn him would be the one person he wished would just forget he even existed. It would be better that way. No more pain for either one of them. Another knock….

Shiro turned up the volume again.

 _My gift of self is raped_

 _My privacy is raked_

 _And yet I find_

No, he didn't need anything now. "Go away." He whispered to the banging on the door. He absently reached in the drawer and retrieved the letter and clutched to his chest. More time passed, but he didn't know or care how much.

Just before the drowsiness took him under, the knocking grew louder, then there was a voice just above the sound of the music… Just barely audible… but he knew that voice. His eyes snapped open. It couldn't be!

"SHIRO! Open the damn door!"

Shiro tried to leap from the bed but the pills had already began to slow the movement of his body. He stumbled, knocking over the lamp on the nightstand and catching himself on the wall. He shook his head trying to clear his vision, but it didn't help. Everything was turning into a blur. Using the wall as support, he slowly made his way to his bedroom door and opened it. The hallway in front of him looked ridiculously long and dark but he had to make it. He had to answer the front door. The knocking was frantic now but it felt like every step he took led him further away from the voice he loved so much.

"Baby, please! Please, be okay! Answer me!"

Shiro felt tears running down his cheeks. He wanted to keep walking. He really did, but he was so tired. He leaned against the wall in the hallway and slid down. His head hung loosely and his arms laid limp at his sides. If he could just call out, maybe everything would be okay. Maybe it wasn't too late. He tested his voice but it came as whisper. "Damn it…" he whined. He barely had the energy to cuss himself.

"Please… please Shiro… just open the door!"

The voice was hysterical now. Pleading between broken sobs. It broke Shiro's heart. He never meant for it to be this way. He had been so ready to go. He wanted everything to end, but then… that voice. It was just a faint echo now in the distance. He took a deep breath and screamed out with as much force as he could. It wouldn't be enough. He knew even if someone was to hear him, they'd never make it in time. He broke into shaking sobs, trying to hold on to consciousness for a little longer. Even if just to hear that voice one more time. "Love… ya... more… Ichigo."

 _ **December 25, 2:18AM**_

A blood curdling scream sounded from the other side of the apartment door. Oh God. "Shiro!" Ichigo threw all of his force at the door in an attempt to break it open but it wouldn't budge. Again and again he tried, to no avail. His heart was racing and he could no longer see through the tears that wouldn't stop falling, but he didn't care anymore about who might see him cry. He didn't care about looking like a mad man banging down a door in the early hours of Christmas morning. All he cared about was reaching the man on the other side of that door. He was screaming now in absolute panic. The neighbors were starting to peak out at him. "Call the police!" he cried. "Please, somebody, help me!" He leaned against the door, sobbing. "Shiro…. Oh god, baby. Just hold on. I'm coming." He didn't know exactly what was going on inside, but he knew that the person he loved most in this world needed help. He knew what he was capable of, and he knew that the text he'd just gotten scared him.

Strong hands grabbed his shoulders, spun him around and shook him, hard. He glanced up and saw Shiro's best friend and neighbor, Grimmjow, staring down at him. "What the hell is going on?" He asked. Ichigo could barely speak. "Help me." He managed. Understanding seemed to dawn on Grimmjow as he stepped back and surveyed the door. "Okay. We'll kick it down. On three, are you ready?" he asked calmly. Ichigo nodded and stood back in position beside him.

"One… Two… Three!"

The combined force busted the door frame and cracked the door from the hinges but it still stood. It was open enough, however, for Grimmjow to reach in and undo the chain lock that was holding it in place. With that, the door fell in and crashed loudly to the floor.

"Shiro!" Ichigo screamed when he spotted the lifeless form slumped against the wall in the hallway in front of them. He ran to him, calling for Grimmjow to call for an ambulance. He slid to a stop and fell to the floor beside Shiro, taking him into his arms and shaking him wildly. "Don't do this to me! Wake up Shiro!" He slapped him across the face, leaving a handprint shining on his already pale skin. "Please! Goddammit, Baby! Please… Just wake up! I love you…. You stupid asshole! What did you do?" Ichigo cried out but Shiro didn't move. Only the slow rise and fall of his chest told Ichigo that he was still alive. "What did you do?" He kept asking as he rocked his love back and forth in his arms. He didn't let him go until the paramedics came, forcing him to stand back and watch as the loaded Shiro onto a gurney and took him away in an ambulance.

Ichigo tried to let the sound of the sirens and the inhuman speed they were driving bring him hope as he and Grimmjow followed the ambulance to the hospital, hoping that the E.M.T.s wouldn't be in such a hurry if it was too late to save Shiro. He slipped one of the earbuds of Shiro's IPod into his ear and pressed play. He'd grabbed it out of the hall floor beside him as a habit. Shiro was always dropping the damned thing. When he realized what was playing, he broke down again into sobs. "What did you do?" he whispered one more time as he listened to the lyrics.

 _And yet I find_

 _Repeating in my head_

 _If I can't be my own_

 _I'd feel better dead_

 **A/N: I finished this chapter moments ago in complete emotional breakdown mode. Still wiping away tears. I hope all of that wasn't too much for you guys. The song was Nutshell by Alice In Chains. No, this isn't a song fic. Just thought that it fit perfectly. I promise that the whole story won't be quite this dark. It will touch on some really dark things though.**

 **On to happier thoughts…. Just wanted to take a minute to say THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! Over 1000 views on my stories in a month's time? That is so… overwhelming to a girl who used to never let anyone read ANY of her stories, like, ever. I know it may not seem like a lot to some of you but it makes me so extremely happy! So this new story is dedicated to those of you who have read, reviewed, and followed any of my work so far! And don't worry, I'm still working on Star Crossed and the next one shot in my "Dark" Series. I just needed something to clear my head and get out some of these pent up feelings and this one almost started writing its self.**

 **Special Thanks To:**

 **BrokenPiecesOfHell, PandaHat97, Hardoraku, LunaTheAwesome Jordan, Yumi-Soiri, OnePlotThickens, Avryn Takehashi, Azrael1225, , PurpleClouds13, 4fireking, JaegerjaquezSweety, meggieXx, EverRose808, Yuiitsu muni, and AliceLovesCakes. If I left anyone out, I am so sorry. I promise to get you in the next one.**

 **R &R, pretty please! Love Ya'll!**


	2. Waking Up

**A/N: Hey guys! So this is a forever long chapter in comparison to the other one. I hope it's not too confusing. I'll try to keep the author's note short this time. Thank you all for your continued support and for all the condolences for the loss of my friend.**

 **Trigger Warning: Mentions of sexual and physical abuse in this chapter. Read with caution. Also, I used a word in this chapter that in real life is not in my vocabulary nor should it be in anyone else's. I hate the word "faggot" and as you will see, the character that uses this word is a vile and ignorant human being. Forgive me for using it if it offends you. Please know that this word offends me, too. It was merely used to show what kind of person the character is. Now, on to the story… Enjoy!**

Chapter Two – Waking Up

"Shiro…."

The echoing voice was coming from nowhere and everywhere all around him. Shiro looked from side to side but saw nothing but blinding flawless white completely surrounding him. The last thing he remembered was Ichigo's voice begging him to wake up. He'd tried so damn hard. He'd been clawing away at the nothingness for what felt like an eternity, running in every direction trying to find him. It was hopeless. There was nothing here but an endless void.

"Shiro… Hey! Over here, genius."

Shiro spun in the direction of the voice that seemed to be behind him now. His breath caught in his throat as he stared wide eyed at the man standing there, leaning against a dead leafless tree that he was positive hadn't been there before.

"Holy shit!" Shiro couldn't believe what he was seeing. "You're….. you're me, but…"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm you or you're me. Whatever. But what? I'm better looking? Smarter? Sober?" The other man laughed as he pulled a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket and lit one. "This is a nasty habit. I really should quit. Oh, sorry. You should quit, but you haven't started yet have you?"

Shiro shook his head in confusion. How was this possible?

"What you're lookin' at is what you would have been in about five years… give or take a year or two. If you hadn't been such a fuck up, that is."

Shiro had to admit that the man in from of him did look healthier than his own reflection ever had. His white hair was longer and less unruly. His eyes, though the same unnatural gold on black, seemed to shine a bit more than Shiro's did. His pale white skin even seemed to have a bit more color than Shiro had ever been able to accomplish. "Am I dead?" he asked, still a bit in shock at seeing his almost twin.

The other laughed and it's liquid-like sound echoed all around Shiro as he disappeared then reappeared mere inches from Shiro's face. "You wish it'd been that easy, huh?"

Shiro was barely holding on to his sanity, let alone his patience or temper. "Then tell me what the fuck is going on! And where the fuck am I?" He bellowed at his altered reflection who hadn't even lost his maniacal grin since the moment he'd shown up.

"Shit, don't ask me. I'm just caught in a dream and I'm pretty sure it isn't mine."

"Well, it isn't mine!" Shiro was fuming. What was the point of speaking to his older, supposedly wiser self if he didn't have any answers? Maybe this was his dream. It made since that he'd be hallucinating all of this if he was lying in a hospital bed in a coma or something, right? He sighed. "Why am I talking to you if you don't know a goddamn thing?" he asked his future self.

"Hey, I'm not the one who was dicking around with life and death, pal! And who said I don't know anything? Do you know how much you fucked my shit up?" The other man said, glaring at Shiro before taking a long drag off his cigarette and flicking it into the suddenly appearing grass.

"I don't care about your shit! I just want to wake up and get my life back! Where's Ichigo?" Shiro asked almost in a panic. The void around him was changing and he had a terribly bad feeling about it. He just wanted to hold Ichigo and tell him all the things he'd never had the nerve to say. If he could find his way back to consciousness, he'd make everything right.

"Ichigo? The man that you kept breaking down to nothing until he had no choice but to leave your ass and let you wallow in your own shit? And now you wanna know where he is. Typical. He's in the house, packing." His older-self nodded his head in the direction of a quaint little white house with a wrap-around porch and a little white picket fence that had appeared out of nowhere.

Shiro walked to the gate of the fence and gaped at the house in front of him. He'd seen the house before but he couldn't remember where.

"It would have been ours, ya know? Mine and Ichigo's. Nice, huh? But you had to go and fuck that up, too. Now he's leaving again. Selfish bastard!" Older Shiro said from beside him, lighting another cigarette.

"Ichigo has never been selfish! Ever!" Shiro barked.

"Not him, dumb ass! You! He can't take anymore bullshit from you. Did you know he feels guilty? He thinks he could have saved you. He's been trying to save you from the beginning. You know what's funny? He would have, if you'd have let him."

Shiro had never realized that Ichigo might have felt that way. Sure, he knew he'd been hurting him. He'd purposely done so. Despite how much he loved him, he knew he was no good. He wanted what was best for Ichigo and he was always trying to push him away, but he was weak and he needed Ichigo by his side. He'd usually find a way to pull him back in and Ichigo would always come back so willingly. It was a never ending cycle of putting the man he loved through hell. He had to admit that looking back on it, he was a selfish bastard when it came to Ichigo. "Take me to him. Please." Shiro asked, looking sideways at his near self.

"I can't. I wish I could, but a part of him is where you're headed."

"Where am I headed?"

"I don't know. Back to the beginning I guess but where ever it is, you better wake up, pal. You gotta find him and if you don't fix this shit quick, we'll both lose him… forever." The other said as his voice started to take on that echoing liquid tone and he started to fade before Shiro's eyes.

"Wait! How do I find him?" Shiro yelled as the grass, the tree, and the house faded away from existence. Everything was vanishing, even the white void around him was greying and becoming darker and darker by the second. As the world turned to black, the other's voice reached him. "He's always been there, stupid! You just never noticed. Now, wake up! You're gonna be late for school."

 _ **6:30 AM, October 3, ?**_

Shiro sat straight up in bed, dripping in sweat. He rubbed his eyes trying to shake the remnants of sleep away. What a fucked up dream! No more of those damn pills in ANY quantity, he promised himself as his vision cleared. "Shit." It wasn't a dream. Back at the beginning, huh? This wasn't the beginning. This was smack dab in the middle of hell on earth. He laughed bitterly, looking around at the bedroom of his childhood home. Well, one of them. After being bounced around from one set of foster parents to another since he was five, it was hard to remember each one but this one… he knew it well. It was the last home he'd lived in before he moved out on his own at the age of sixteen. Goddamn it, did he have to live that year again? One memory stuck out in his mind about that time in his life that made him smile a little though. That had been the year he'd met Ichigo.

He threw the blankets off and stood, looking down at his self. "Yup. Definitely 16." He walked over to the mirror and took in the full view of his teenage self. He'd always been lean and muscular, a little tall for his age, and a little awkward. Mostly because of his strange eyes and pale skin. Most kids had been scared of him when he was younger but it didn't stop them from pushing him around. That was until he started fighting back. As a young teen, he gave them a new reason to be afraid of him. He had a bad boy reputation, and loved to live up to the hype.

"What the hell are you doing, faggot?" His foster father snapped from the bedroom door. Shiro's blood ran cold. If he ever truly hated anyone in his whole life, it was this man, Noahiro Iseya. He made it his sole purpose in life to find new ways to abuse Shiro and the other foster kids in his care and when he found out Shiro was gay, it only made it worse. He was a big man. Easily 6'4, 300 lbs, and all muscle. Blackish brown eyes, and no hair. Like none. Shiro had never known if he was truly bald or if he just shaved it all off every morning. Of all the bullies Shiro had faced down, Noah was the one he never could beat. But it never stopped him from trying. He remembered far too well all the days he had to go to school beaten, bruised, and humiliated. No one ever questioned it though. They probably just figured it was all from the frequent fights he found himself in on a daily basis at school.

"Hey! I asked you a question! Are you deaf?" Noah barked as he walked up behind him. He raked his eyes up and down Shiro's reflection. He shivered despite himself. "No… I'm not."

"Then answer me. What are you doing?" The large man asked again, placing a hand on Shiro's shoulder and holding eye contact through the mirror. "You know you're supposed to wait for your mother to wake you up… properly."

Shiro felt the bile rising in his throat. He remembered the way Noah's wife woke him up in the mornings. He wished that he didn't but how was he supposed to forget something like that. There was no chance he'd be able to say no without Noah beating the living shit out of him. Not as his 15 year old self. He'd tried and failed many times. His stomach sank. Fuck! He didn't want to live through this again. Mori Iseya was just as abusive as her husband, but just in different ways. They called what they did to him every morning "conditioning", a way to teach him not to be gay. It taught him something, alright. That he'd never be able to let a woman touch him without puking up his guts. Damn it, he wasn't doing this!

"Go back to bed. Your mother will be so upset if she finds out you didn't wait for her." Noah whispered before pointing Shiro toward the bed.

"No…" Shiro lacked the strength in his voice he intended to have. He cleared his throat and tried again. "No! And she's not my mother!"

"What the fuck did you just say to me, faggot?" Noahiro said through gritted teeth and drew back a fist. Shiro braced himself for an impact that never came. Instead, he heard a knock on the door frame. He and Noah both turned to see Grimmjow standing in the doorway, grinning like the clueless idiot he pretended to be in front of their foster parents.

"Hey, uh, sorry to interrupt… Dad, but me and Shiro… we gotta be on time today. The school's threatening to report us if we're late again."

Shiro exhaled the breath he'd been holding and smiled at his best friend. They'd both been lucky enough to land in this hell hole together and Grimmjow always had his back when he could. Shiro tried to repay the favor even when it meant he had to catch the worst of the shit most of the time.

Noah nodded and lowered his fist. "Alright. Get dressed and get the hell out of here, ya little fairy." He grumbled as he pushed past Grimmjow and left the room.

Shiro couldn't help but smile at his friend. He looked so young and full of life. He knew that one day, that spark in his eyes would fade and he'd be almost as fucked up as Shiro. Grimm was the smart one though. He'd kicked most of his habits and got his shit straight. It hadn't been that easy for Shiro. They'd been through so much together since this day and Grimmjow had always been there for him through all of it. Eventually though, he'd had enough of Shiro's shit too and turned his back on him just like everyone else had. But, look at him now, saving Shiro's ass again. It felt good to have his friend back.

He shook his head and started digging through his closet for clothes to wear to school. Damn, what the hell was with his wardrobe? Did he really used to dress this way? He finally found a pair of faded jeans with only two rips in them, right across both knees, and a light weight black hoodie with some band name that he couldn't even remember listening to written across the front. After pulling them both on, he turned and walked out with Grimmjow in tow.

"So… you seriously think we could get out… on our own, away from the Iseya's? We're minors, ya know. We could get in some serious trouble if we just left." Grimmjow was walking a few steps behind Shiro as they walked to school.

Shiro wasn't really listening. He didn't really have to. He remembered this conversation like it was yesterday. "It's called legal emancipation. It's pretty easy. We just gotta prove why we need to do it and that we can take care of ourselves. You have a job. I have a job. We've already found a place to live. We get the shit beat out of us on a daily basis. I think we got it covered." And they did. Shiro knew exactly how it would all play out. The little incident this morning had jarred his memory enough to know exactly when in his life he'd been dumped. The court date would be next week. He'd gone to see a lawyer a week before and had already gotten the ball rolling. He and Grimmjow would be legally declared emancipated, their younger foster brother, Hanataro, would be taken to another family who would eventually adopt him, and the Iseya's would be put in prison for child abuse. They all just had to survive the next few days until the powers that be came to pick them up for the trial. Then, he and Grimm would move into the apartment that would be his for the next 6 years.

Blah, blah, blah. He knew what came next and what he had to do to make that happen. He remembered everything about this specific time in his life. What he didn't know was how he was supposed to "fix shit" as his older self so eloquently put it. He couldn't remember anything that he had personally fucked up. You can't fix things that other people do, and right now, in this time, everything that happened was someone else's fuck up… wasn't it?

He didn't have much time to worry about all that. He wasn't sure how much time he had to find Ichigo, but something deep inside told him he had to act fast. Was today the day he met him? Shit. He didn't remember. How could he forget?

"Hey Grimm, do you know a guy named Ichigo Kurosaki? Tall, orange hair, kinda sulky. Real cute, though." Shiro chanced making himself look foolish. He needed to know.

"Uh, yeah…" Grimmjow looked at Shiro like he'd lost his mind.

"What?"

Grimmjow draped his arm over Shiro's shoulder and grinned. "Did Noah hit you on the head this morning? Now, you think Kurosaki's real cute. Last week, when I tried to set you two up, you didn't even blink before saying no. What's up with you today, man? You're acting really weird."

Damn, had that already happened? Shiro remembered Grimm trying to get him to date Ichigo and he also remembered what happened when he finally agreed. That was the worst first date ever. He'd been so uncomfortable, he'd been rude, and uninterested. He'd also been insanely drunk. Ichigo hadn't talked to him for months afterwards. He'd even told that red headed Renji guy that he thought Shiro was a "cave dwelling Neanderthal". Maybe that's what he had to fix. He'd known Ichigo now for years. It couldn't be that hard to make a good first impression this time around.

"Yeah… right, about that, I changed my mind. Where can I find him? I'll ask him myself." Shiro shrugged off Grimmjow's arm and turned around, walking backwards so he could face his friend.

"Okay… he's in our first period class. You'll see him when we get there… Ya sure you're alright, Shiro?"

"I'm great, Grimm. Better than great! I'll see ya in class." Shiro yelled back as he turned and ran for school. "I promise, Ichigo. This time will be different, I swear." He whispered to himself as he ran.

 _ **7:25 AM, Karakura High**_

Shiro had forgotten how much he'd hated high school. The loud, crowded hallways, the condescending teachers, the other students that looked at him with a mix of fear and disgust, the whispers about him being an albino, a fairy, a freak... He definitely wasn't happy to be back in high school again.

He'd also forgotten how fucking gorgeous Ichigo was as a teen. Shiro's usually high self-confidence took a nose dive with one look in his direction. Not to mention, he was having a hard time combating his teenage body's hormones. Jesus H, how'd he ever get anything done when he was 16? All he could think about was sex… and Ichigo. He groaned aloud, drawing several looks from the students around him as he tried to regain some semblance of sanity while attempting to get Ichigo's attention. He plastered his best cocky smile on and waved Ichigo over to where he was sitting.

Ichigo stopped mid-sentence in his conversation with some short brunette girl who Shiro had forgotten her name, and looked behind him then back at Shiro. "Me?" he mouthed.

Shiro laughed and nodded. "Yeah, you. Come 'ere." Had Ichigo always been so cute, or was it just because he loved him so much more now than he had back then? Either way, Shiro had to remind himself that at this time, they hadn't even officially met yet so he had to fight the urge to jump up right then and there and kiss him till he couldn't breathe. Goddamn, he needed a drink, he thought as he watched the love of his life approach and look at him as if he'd never seen him before. It almost broke his heart but he wouldn't let his smile falter. "So…" Shiro stopped himself before he could say something stupid. Ichigo likes sweet shit, right? So what should he say? Fuck! He was never good at sweet shit. "You look really hot… I mean, nice. You look nice today." Fail! He was doomed.

Ichigo raised an eyebrow and looked at Shiro suffering in silence, then laughed. "You called me over here to tell me I look nice? Um, well, thanks…"

"No! I mean you do, but… shit." Shiro mentally kicked himself in the ass. Ichigo was smirking at him now. The kind of smirk Shiro knew well. It was the one that meant he was being an idiot. This was a disaster. "I uh… you wanna go somewhere with me? Like for coffee or something. Doesn't matter where. You pick."

"Like a date?" Ichigo asked, a little taken back.

"Yeah… if you want." Shiro could tell he'd caught him off guard but he couldn't tell if it was a good thing or not. He didn't think that his Ichigo liked surprises but he couldn't really remember the small details about him. Maybe he'd changed over the years. Maybe Shiro had no idea about what he really liked. He was starting to realize more and more that he didn't pay enough attention to Ichigo when he had the chance.

"Are you suggesting that he skip class with you?" Yumichika Ayasegawa chimed in from the seat behind Shiro.

He suppressed a chuckle as he turned around to face him. He always did have a soft spot for that nosey little asshole. "I'm talking about after school! And mind your own business, pretty boy!"

Shiro had actually messed around with Yumichika once or twice before he and Ikkaku Madarame hooked up. Damn, was that before or after Ichigo? Shiro couldn't remember that either. He knew he'd cheated on Ichigo plenty of times in high school and after. Yet another thing to beat himself up about. He'd make damn sure that didn't happen this time around. Yumichika just shrugged his shoulders, sat back in his desk, and waved his hand at them as if granting them permission to carry on without him. Smug little bastard.

"So… what ya think?" Shiro asked turning back to Ichigo who stood with his arms crossed over his chest, glaring at Shiro with his typical scowl tightly in place. He just grinned up at him and waited for the answer.

Ichigo sighed and rolled his eyes. "I guess it couldn't hurt. Meet me at the corner café an hour after school. And don't look so damn smug about it! How do you know I wouldn't have rather ditched class?"

Without another word, Ichigo turned and walked back to his group of friends at the back of the room, leaving Shiro relieved that he'd said yes, but a little speechless at the thought of skipping school with him. That wasn't like Ichigo at all. He'd been a good kid, hadn't he? Shiro had never noticed Ichigo playing hooky, but apparently there were a lot of things he'd never noticed before.

Yumichika leaned back up and giggled in Shiro's ear. "Wow, I'm impressed, sweetie. I didn't even think Kurosaki was into guys. Maybe you'll be his first, huh?"

"Shut up!" Shiro growled as the teacher came in and signaled the start of class. He laid his head down on his desk and sighed. He didn't need the reminder that he actually was Ichigo's first. That hadn't gone too well either. He'd been drunk and high and way too rough with him. Something else he'd have to fix.

As class dragged on, Shiro began slipping in and out of sleep. It wasn't long before he was completely lost in his dreams of Ichigo. Not the 16 year old adorable teen across the class room from him, but the man he come to love. Before he knew what was going on, he was standing in front of the little white house again with Ichigo just out of reach on the other side of the picket fence.

"Ichigo… where were you?" Shiro asked as Ichigo smiled brightly at him.

"With you."

"I couldn't find you." He said, reaching out his hand.

Ichigo's smile faded into confusion as he started to dissipate in front of his eyes but his voice rang clear in his head. "I'm right here, just open your eyes and look."

 **A/N: Monster chapter, finished! Yay! So who's rooting for Shiro and Ichi? Who feels that Shiro is a major douche and doesn't deserve Ichigo? Who doesn't care and wants me to get on with it? Lol. Special thanks to hardoraku, PandaHat97, and JaegerjaquezSweety and everyone else who read, reviewed, or favorited this story. You guys rock! Now, on to finish a Star Crossed chapter before a few of my readers decide to riot on me XD. Love Ya'll!**


	3. First Dates and Second Chances

**A/N: Long time no see, huh? Wow, it's been so long since I wrote the last chapter. I want to apologize for that. I had no further plans for this story at all so I really had been thinking about deleting it. But then, I had a moment the other day where I was rereading all of my stories looking for inspiration (since I've been in writer's block hell lately) and when I read this one… my heart broke. I started it as a way to let my feelings out about my friend's death. I really hadn't wanted to revisit those feelings ever again but it's important to look back on things like that, isn't it? It's important to remember. I have to continue this story for myself. I hope ya'll enjoy this chapter and I will update again soon.**

Chapter 3 - First Dates and Second Chances

 _Before he knew what was going on, Shiro was standing in front of the little white house again with Ichigo just out of reach on the other side of the picket fence._

" _Ichigo… where were you?" Shiro asked as Ichigo smiled brightly at him._

" _With you." He answered softly._

" _I couldn't find you." Shiro said, reaching out his hand._

 _Ichigo's smile faded into confusion as he started to dissipate in front of Shiro's eyes but his voice rang clear in his head. "I'm right here, just open your eyes and look."_

"Ichigo?" Shiro stared dead ahead at where Ichigo had been seconds before.

"You've really screwed things up this time, pal!" His older-self spoke from behind him.

Shiro wheeled around on the other and narrowed his eyes. He'd had about enough of all of this. "I screwed up? What the hell do you mean? I'm not in control of this shit storm! And where'd Ichigo go? He was just talking to me, damn it!"

"Whoa, buddy. Calm down, alright? You're starting to lose it. You talked to Ichigo? You can't talk to Ichigo. Not 'till ya find him."

"That makes no goddamn sense!" Shiro yelled. "I did find him! And… I was about to fix the mess I made of our first date! Now, wake me up! Do something useful, for once!"

"Your first date… ha! See what I mean? You fucked up again. You went back too far." The other gave Shiro a lopsided grin, testing his patience, before lighting up yet another cigarette.

"You sent me there! Listen, asshole! I'm trying to do what you said. I woke up, went to that fucking prison they called high school, found Ichigo, and I'm trying to fix shit! How did I screw up exactly?" Shiro's head was starting to pound again and his whole body seemed to be shaking.

"I didn't send you there. THEY must have. There must be a reason. Just be careful what you change. That's a pretty delicate time in our life, ya know? One bad move and it'll tear your playhouse down, know what I'm sayin' Pal?" Older Shiro poked a long pale finger at him. His shit eating grin finally slipping away into a grimace.

"No! I don't know what you're sayin' and stop calling me pal! For fuck's sake, I need a drink or fuckin' something." Shiro knew what the honey thick sweat rolling down his forehead meant. Withdraw… and it was going to be a bad one too if the trimmers in his hands were any indication.

"Yeah, that's exactly what you need. Go get drunk so you can really fuck it all up! Stop being and idiot! Now, wake up and get shit straight. You're running out of time!" Shiro's future-self flicked the cigarette he'd been holding to the ground and when it landed, it echoed loudly in Shiro's ears. For a split second the feather light object sounded like a ton of bricks had fallen from the sky and then a shrill sound blasted through the dream world and wiped everything around him out of existence.

Shiro sat up in his seat so fast he nearly knocked over the desk in front of him. The damn school bell signaling the end of first period was making his already aching head feel like it was splitting open. When the infernal noise finally ceased, he looked around and spotted Ichigo gathering his things and getting ready to walk out. Quickly, Shiro leapt up and raced to him smiling. "Hey… uh… can I carry your books?" That was sweet shit, right? He hoped he didn't come off like a stalker but if he did, it was too late now.

Ichigo glowered at him. "I'm not handicapped. I can carry my own stuff." He mumbled. "Besides, don't you have somewhere you usually disappear to after class?"

Ichigo had made 'somewhere' sound like a dirty thing. Did he have somewhere he was supposed to be? Damn his swiss cheese memory! As Shiro contemplated over it, Ichigo apparently got tired of waiting for a response. He rolled his eyes and sighed. "I'll see you later." He said as he walked away.

"Hey… wait!" Shiro started to go after him but Grimm grabbed him by his collar and stopped him dead in his tracks. "You're sweatin' bullets, dude. And it's not 'cause it's hot in here. The carrot-top has it like that, huh?" Grimm joked but Shiro wasn't amused.

"I don't know how the hell he has it. Let's get outta here. I need some… down time." Skipping school after first period. That's what Shiro had forgotten. It was a regular occurrence in his high school life. And damn, he needed that right now. Grimmjow nodded and walked with him out of class and straight out of the school.

Later, in the old abandoned warehouse a few blocks away, Shiro sat on the floor against the cold cinderblock wall squeezing the bridge of his nose between his fingers. He liked the high he got from snorting his shit but fuck, did it burn! Grabbing the half empty bottle of cheap liquor beside him, he quickly downed some of the luke-warm liquid. He knew he was fucking up. He knew it would only make this fucked up past life crazy reality he was trapped in that much harder to navigate but he couldn't think straight when he was stone sober. He couldn't function like normal people did. He needed a buffer, something to dull the pain and stop his mind from racing. Well, that was the lie he told himself anyway. His mind was still racing. Maybe a little more so than before.

He just couldn't wrap his mind around exactly what was happening. There was no explanation for it. He still thought that maybe he was dead. Maybe he actually had fucked around and killed himself. So, what then was he doing in this warehouse getting ten kinds of fucked up? Could dead men get high? Shiro didn't think so. Then, was he dreaming all this? Just lying in the hospital hooked up to God only knows what kind of machines and dreaming the whole damned thing? That made more sense, but he felt pretty damn awake at the moment. Shit! He had no idea what the hell was going on. Maybe it was real, everything his future self was trying to tell him. That he'd been given a second chance to get things right. Well, he was off to a good fuckin' start wasn't he?

Shiro looked over at Grimmjow who was stretched out beside him, flipping through an old dusty book. "Whacha got there, pal?" Shiro asked, then mentally winced at the pet name that had just came out of his mouth. Damn! Now he was saying it, too.

"A book, obviously. I dunno. It was over there in a big pile of stuff. Figure it came out of the old manager's office. Here, it's your type of shit. I'm gonna go crush out another line then head home to check on Hanataro. School should be over by now. Want one?" Grimm tossed the book in Shiro's lap and stood. The cloud of dust from the old tomb nearly choked him.

"Nah, I gotta meet Ichigo at that café. Hey, Grimm, get Hana and go to Mr. Kisuke's. You guys will be alright there. I just don't think it's a good idea to be at home right now. I got a bad feeling." It was more than just a feeling. Shiro knew that the few days before he moved out were some of the worst his two foster brothers had ever experienced in the Iseya's home. It was like their foster parents knew that they'd soon be out of there so in turn, the evil couple started focusing all their efforts on Hanataro. Grimmjow had fought them off tooth and nail and ended up getting the worst beating of his life. Shiro had to save them both from that fate, if he could. He knew he'd have to go home though and probably catch hell because of the other boys' absence. He didn't have anywhere else to stay. The kind shop keeper that had tried to protect the three of them for so long, had long ago forbid him from stepping foot inside his home when he caught Shiro smoking a joint in the back room of Kisuke's shop. He had said when Shiro "got his act together", he could come back. He'd never been back since that day.

Grimmjow promised to get their little brother to safety and then left Shiro alone to his thoughts. He looked down and ran his fingers over the cover of the worn book. He laughed, dryly. "Through the Looking Glass, huh? How is this 'my type of shit'?" A memory tingled at the back of his mind but he couldn't quite grasp it.

Instead, he began to think about Ichigo and he couldn't help but smile. Their first date couldn't have gone worse. He'd been forced into it and hadn't been prepared at all. "Fuckin' Grimm." Shiro chuckled. He'd been so pissed at him for setting him up at the time. He should really thank him for butting in like that, sometime. That is, if he ever got back to his regular life. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall and let his memory take him back to that day.

" _Come on man! He's really into you! That doesn't happen every day, ya know?" Grimm said, nearly begging. His voice was booming over the noise of the arcade and people were starting to stare._

" _Would ya shut up, already? Shit, man I told ya like ten times," Shiro lowered his voice in hopes his friend would do the same, "The answer is no. Kurosaki… he's not my type."_

" _Not your type? Since when did that matter? Grimm continued to bellow, slapping Shiro on the back and laughing. "He's hot and he's got a dick. Ain't that all ya usually need?"_

 _Shiro winced as a few girls at the game beside them had turned to stare open mouthed at him, like he was the one who'd said something wrong. "Jesus, Grimm." He muttered. He'd been trying to focus on the claw machine in front of him, but it was a fruitless effort. He growled low in his throat as he stuffed more coins into the slot._

" _What? Don't act like it's not true. I'm tryin' to get ya laid, bro." Grimm snickered as the girls gasped at his comment._

 _Shiro spun on Grimm and grabbed him by the collar. "What do I gotta do to get you to shut your big fuckin' mouth?" He couldn't handle the stares and the looks of disgust. The girls who had previously been smiling at him and blushing were now looking at him like he had the plague._

 _Grimmjow smiled menacingly at Shiro and slapped the hand that held his shirt. "Meet Kurosaki at Ai's at 6 and I'll never bring it up again."_

" _You dick!" Shiro spat as he let go of his friend and turned back to the machine, resting both hands on it and leaning forward. "You already told him I was coming, didn't you?" He sighed, shoulders slumped in defeat. Ai's was a fancy coffee shop in the shopping district. Way too high class for scum like him. He'd spend every dime he had just ordering drinks for the little prep. "Fine, just this once. No more set-ups, though. Got it?"_

 _Grimmjow nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, I gotcha! You're really gonna like him, Shi. I promise. He's pretty cool, once you get to know him. I know he seems kind of stand-offish but…"_

 _Shiro tuned him out and continued to try and grasp the little lion plushy out of the machine. It reminded him of Ichigo Kurosaki. He didn't know why exactly. He just knew he wanted him… it... wanted it!_

 _Truth was, he knew all about the kid he'd been set up with. He didn't need Grimm telling him how great he was. Shiro had been watching him for a while. He had lots of friends and seemed like he really cared deeply about them all. He was a good student and he came from a good family. He was absolutely gorgeous and had caught Shiro's eye nearly as soon as he'd seen him. Good, kind, smart …innocent. He was everything Shiro wasn't._

Shiro shook off the memory and heaved himself up off the ground, tucking the old book inside the pocket of his hoodie and dusting of his hands on his pants. His head was a little hazy but nothing he couldn't handle. At least he wasn't shaking anymore. As he made his way out of the warehouse and down the street, he couldn't help but let his mind wonder again back to that infamous first date with Ichigo. He'd acted like a complete ass. He'd almost purposely fucked it up to keep Ichigo from being interested in a looser like him. It was a miracle Ichigo had ever spoken to him again after that.

" _So… people actually do shit like this… for fun?" Shiro asked over the top of his now cold latte. He'd barely even looked at the boy in front of him. He knew his black gold eyes made people uncomfortable so eye contact wasn't something he did often._

" _Well, yeah. I mean, I guess. We could have gone somewhere else… if you wanted." Ichigo said while picking at the paper sleeve on his cup._

" _Nah. It wouldn't have mattered." Shiro grumbled. He chanced a glance upward and inwardly groaned. Ichigo was hot, even with that scowl creasing his features. He couldn't help the smirk that pulled at his lips. He just wanted to reach across the table and see what the preppy little rich kid would taste like._

 _Ichigo looked up at him and Shiro's head spun. The alcohol in his system boiled in his blood. He knew he was looking at the other boy like he wanted to devour him but it couldn't be helped._

 _Ichigo sat back in his chair and rubbed at the back of his neck uncomfortably. "Look, if you didn't want to be here, you didn't have to come. Grimmjow just said that… so I thought…" he sighed. "Never mind. You want to get out of here?"_

" _Best idea you've had all night." Shiro commented, standing a little too quickly, throwing a crumpled pile of money down on the table._

 _He grabbed Ichigo by the wrist and pulled him outside and down the darkened alleyway between the coffee shop and the building next to it. With liquid courage coursing through his veins, he ignored the muffled protests coming from the boy in his grip. Ichigo was too good for him. He knew it, surely Ichigo knew it, too. He'd just get this over with and get what he wanted before this perfect boy fell for his bullshit._

 _He reached the darkest part of the alley just as Ichigo pulled his arm free. It didn't phase Shiro at all though. He just shoved the other boy up against the rough brick and pinned him there with his body. He breathed deeply, the heat of Ichigo's body seeping into him, driving him mad._

 _Ichigo stood stock still. Shiro wasn't even sure if he was breathing as he stared wide eyed at him. Everything seemed to stop and wait for Shiro's next move. Even the noise from the nearby street seemed to cease as he stood there looking into Ichigo's eyes. "What did Grimm tell you? That I liked you? That I wanted to date you?" Shiro laughed cruelly. His lips just centimeters from Ichigo's. "I don't …date." He let out in a breath so quite it would have been inaudible if it wasn't for the close proximity._

" _Then why did you agree to this?" Ichigo squirmed a little but never broke eye contact. Gentle hands pressed against Shiro's chest and he smiled. "You're drunk, Shiro. I can smell it on your breath. Let's just call it a night, huh?"_

 _Without saying anything, Shiro leaned in and crashed his lips against Ichigo's. The other boy's lips were stiff and awkward against his own but he didn't care. He forced his tongue into his mouth and lost himself in the taste. When Ichigo started responding, a slight moan escaping, it drove Shiro further. He gripped Ichigo's hips and brought them roughly against his. Ichigo shuddered, slightly grinding against him. His hands slipping into Shiro's hair. Shiro groaned and let one hand slide to Ichigo's belt. As he roughly bit Ichigo's bottom lip, he made fast work of unbuttoning and unzipping his jeans, slipping his hand inside and palming at him through his boxers._

 _Ichigo's breath hitched in surprise. "Shiro… stop." He breathed, as he pushed at Shiro's hand weakly._

 _Shiro snickered. "What? You want this. I can feel it." He squeezed at Ichigo's hardening cock to make his point before latching his mouth onto Ichigo's neck._

 _Ichigo moaned again, then quickly shoved Shiro away from him. "I said stop!" he growled at him. "Jesus! Who the hell do you think you are?" He struggled to fasten his pants and his belt with shaky hands. "You don't just do shit like this! God!" He fumed._

" _Who do YOU think you are?!" Shiro yelled back. "You spoiled little shit! What? I should've taken you out for a candle lit dinner and bought you roses and fuckin' chocolates first? I should have known. I don't have enough money to spread your legs!"_

 _Pain didn't even register to Shiro as Ichigo's fist connected with his nose. He'd actually been expecting it. He felt the blood trickle down past his lips. He brought a hand up and wiped at it, smiling at the red smear across his knuckles. He deserved it._

 _As he looked up at Ichigo, glaring daggers at him, he realized something. Ichigo wasn't afraid of him. He hadn't been disgusted by him or judged him at all until he'd started acting a fool. That fact made his chest tighten a bit. Shit, falling for this kid wasn't an option._

 _Shiro forced out a laugh. "Did I hit a nerve?"_

" _Fuck you." Ichigo stated coldly, turning to walk away._

" _You had your chance!" he called lamely to Ichigo's back as he disappeared out of the alley. "Shit!" He cursed himself, punching the cold hard brick wall. "Ahhh! Fuck!" He fell backward clutching his now bleeding fist. "Smooth, idiot… real smooth."_

Shiro sighed as he reached the café. He couldn't allow himself to treat Ichigo that way again. It'd be different this time, he promised himself. Yeah, he was a little intoxicated again, but he was determined not to show it. Spotting a head of bright orange hair through the window of the café, he stopped and took a deep breath. "Here goes nothin'."


End file.
